I Can't Explain It
by Gabriela Xander
Summary: gender neutral reader insert I shouldn't feel guilty for feeling like this, I thought as I push a strand of (h/c) hair out of my vision, everyone goes through it. But why does it make me feel like I'm not ALLOWED to?
1. IMPORTANT

**VERY IMPORTANT PLEASE READ**

Everything in this story is fictional, but anything in this story can help you as well.

The characters are fictional, the setting is fictional, and the story itself is fictional.

But the general situation is based off of real problems and situations, it's as real as anything else. The challenge you (as the reader) go through could be happening in real life. This book is to help you (or whoever reads it just for fun) with whatever relates to you. To help you know that we go through some of the same problems, and we can try to help others who are going through it. It's...therapeutic.

 **Please don't take my word for it, I am** ** _NOT_** **a therapist, psychologist, etc.**

If you have been having depressing and/or suicidal thoughts, please contact these numbers below. I do NOT take these subjects lightly and advise you to get professional help.

 **(1-800-273-8255) National Suicide Hot line**

Or, if you are too uncomfortable with that, you could always message me if you'd like. I'm no professional, but I could be there just to listen, to give advice, or if you just need a friend, I will welcome you with open arms. No one should have to go through this alone.

* * *

 **Many Much Important**

 **Keys to help throughout the story; please remember**

(F/n)= Full name

(Y/n)= Your (first) name **or** a shorter and/or other name you prefer to go by

(N/n)= Nickname

(L/n)= Last name

(H/l)= Hair length

(H/c)= Hair color

(S/c)= Skin color

(E/c)= Eye color

(Y/h)= Your height

(F/c)= Favorite color

(B/f)= Best friend (name)

The same rule for your keys apply to them as well

Please enjoy the story and...be safe about your actions.

* * *

 _"Do you...actually believe I can be fixed?" You asked, looking up at the starry sky._

 _"To be honest, no. But," He says as he sits up to look at you with determined eyes and smiles, "I don't mind trying to put you back together."_


	2. Chapter 1: The Start of it All

2nd p.o.v.

As you take down your Math notes for first period, you noticed that your best friend, (B/f), wasn't here today. Strange, it's not like them to miss a school day, especially since it's a testing day. Ms. Valarie hates it when her students aren't here for testing; she always complains about having to give up her free time just so you guys can take it. Now, you already addressed the issue, saying "we wouldn't have to take up your free time if you didn't give us weekly tests.". You can still remember her dull green eyes boring into your own (e/c) iris' to this day. You should've called the cops on her right then and there.

"(Y/n), what is the answer to number 3?" The teacher's voice spooked you out if your thoughts.

You look down to number 3 and realized the problem was **8+/-** **(2×4)**. Oh, that wasn't to hard. Quickly doing the math in your head, you answered as smoothly as possible.

"Well...you wanna know the answer, huh?" You asked, buying yourself time.

"I believe that's why I asked you," she smiled in amusement.

"Uh, the answer is 16 or 0," you sighed, closing your eyes as you scratch the side of your head.

"Why?" She asked.

"What the fuck..." you whispered to yourself then continued louder for her to hear, "I don't know! Because 2×4 is 8 then you add 8 and that's 16...then 2×4 is 8 and you subtract 8 and it's 0."

"Are you sure?" She teased.

As if the gods saved you from answering, (B/f) walked through the doors, imaginary doves coming from behind them. They smiled and gave Ms. Valarie a bright red slip. They said hello to a few students as they walked to their desk in front of the class. They didn't greet you though, you sat in the back. You didn't mind as much though, they always walked you to your next class.

Ms. Valarie forgot about torturing you and pulled out another stick from the cup, "Leonard, what's number 4?"

You looked to your left where Leonard sat and saw him look at your paper and then answered. He was one of your good friends, but other than Honors Math and lunch, you guys didn't have any classes together. Not that you minded, he found time for you at the end of the day, but that's not always the case though. Recently, he hasn't been hanging out with you for a while, but you shrugged it off thinking he has things to do at home.

You look down at your (s/c) hands, clenching it, then unclenching them several times. You slowly traced the invisible scar on your left palm, remembering the nightmare dream you had last night.

 _Running. What else could you do? It was behind you, you couldn't see it, but you_ knew _it was right on your trails. Someone told you to never look behind you, no matter how close it got, but you couldn't remember who. Quickly, you turned your head._

 _In result, your (h/l) (h/c) hair smacked against your face._ (if your hair is really short, than please ignore that part). _You didn't see it anymore. You stop suddenly in your tracks, air quickly and painfully refilling your lungs. After a few moments, you look up to see it in front of you._

 _You didn't know what it looked like, but at the same time, you knew it was you. Quickly, you turned around and sprinted away in the opposite direction. You only ran about 100 feet until you met a wall, the design resembling a tree. You turned and saw the figure creeping towards you. In a blind panic, you turned and started to pound on the wall._

 _"Please! Please, let me out, let ME OUT!" You shouted._

 _As you were going to pound again, something took a strong hold of your left hand, causing you to stop. You started trembling in fear, a few tears escaping your eyes. Its nails were digging into your palm, blood seeping out and running down your (s/c) arm. You fell to your knees, your left hand still in the clutches of the monster you recognized as yourself. You'll never escape..._

You shook you head slightly as you rubbed your hands together to get rid of the tingly feeling in your palm.

"(Y/n), please tell us the answer to number 11," the teacher called you again.

Looking at your paper, you paled a bit. You didn't get to 11. The problem read **Reduce: 6×a×a×b/a×b.** _Okay, you thought, not too hard at all._

"It's 6a," you stated confidently.

Ms. Valarie raised an eyebrow, "Really?"

Your smile drooped down a bit at that, "It is 6a...isn't it?"

Ms. Valarie did the work and explained it to the other students. The answer _was_ 6a. You sigh, lowering your head so your forehead touched the edge of the desk. _She's the reason I always second guess myself..._

"Hey, Church," You nudged your partner's arm.

He turned to you and hummed, indicating for you to continue.

"What time is it?" You asked.

If you're lucky, it's close to 10:00A.M.

He chuckles as he checks his phone, "9:13A.M."

You slammed your head on the table, gaining attention from students near by.

"God Damn-it," you mumbled.

* * *

 _"Do you...actually believe I can be fixed?" You asked, looking up at the starry sky._

 _"To be honest, no. But," He says as he sits up to look at you with determined eyes and smiles, "I don't mind trying to put you back together."_


	3. Chapter 2

2nd p.o.v.

The bell rang to signalize to switch classes. You had Art for your second period, you chose Drafting and Designing but that class was too full to take anymore kids. You probably would've gotten into that class if you didn't wait 2 weeks before applying for your freshman year. It's not that you wanted to wait that long to apply, its just that during the last week of summer, you found out you had early stage of appendicitis and needed surgery before it exploded. Ah, summer break was truly amazing.

You get up from your seat and swung your dark red backpack onto your back. (B/f) stood next to you as you did so, smiling.

You turn to them with a small smile, "You ready, Freddy?"

They roll their eyes but kept their smile, "Yeah, come on, let's go."

You both wait until the classroom is empty before leaving. If you tried leaving with the crowd, you would've been stepped all over. As you two were walking, (b/f) was talking about their [boy/girl]friend. You only smiled as they talked. You weren't on good terms with them per say, but were still friends.

(B/f) stopped talking when they noticed you haven't spoken.

"Hey, are you okay? You're not usually this quiet," they asked softly.

 _Of course I'm not going to say "no, I'm not okay"_ , you thought, _but I hate lying to (b/f) when they ask me..._

You let out a bright smile, "Yeah, sorry 'bout that. I'm just really tired. I stayed up watching _Who Killed Markiplier_. You know how it is."

(B/f) only chuckled, " My God, (Y/n), I think Mark can wait for one day."

You gasp dramatically and placed a hand over your chest, "*Loud gasp* How could you say that?!"

They rolled their eyes, "Yeah, yeah, I'm horrible, I know. But seriously, start getting your sleep, dude."

At that moment, the warning bell went off.

"I'll see you later, bye!" They shout while running to their class.

As soon as (B/f) turned their back, (y/n)'s smile immediately fell from their face as they walked into their next class. Art wasn't too bad, the only problem was that you sat next to this really annoying kid names James (if your name is James, then please change it), he sat on your left. You sat down and silently praised the Gods when you noticed he wasn't here today. On your right, was a good friend of yours, his name was Sean, people including you called him jack. You have first and second period together, but that was about it, though he was a good friend; you could talk to Jack about anything...well, almost everything.

After announcements, the Art teacher, Mrs. Dallie, explained the assignment for the day; today, they had to draw still life. After the explanation, everyone started to work. You were feeling a bit more down than yesterday, so you decided to takes things a bit more slow. But at the same time, you had to make it seem like nothing was wrong, that was going to be the real challenge. It wasn't a problem during math, since no one spoke to you in that class.

Art class was _that_ class where you were able to be alone with your thoughts since the only one who spoke to you-Jack-was occupied playing Duck Life on his school laptop. You let loose. You were never safe with your thoughts, you would start to think badly of yourself, making you insecure. Your friends tend to get upset with you when you spoke if your insecurities, they thought that you were an amazing person. But no matter how hard they tried to convince you of that, you just couldn't believe them, you thought they were lying to make you feel better.

You don't know why they would lie to you though. Did they think you were too sensitive to handle the truth? Did they think you didn't _deserve_ the truth? You had to control yourself, you were still in Art class after all. There were people around you, you had to pretend everything was alright. They'll think your weird if you break down right now.

It seems like you weren't doing a good job at pretending, after 10 minutes, Jack called you out on your bullshit.

"Hey," he tapped your soft, (s/c), arm until you looked at him, "You wanna talk about it?"

* * *

 _"Do you...actually believe I can be fixed?" You asked, looking up at the starry sky._

 _"To be honest, no. But," He says as he sits up to look at you with determined eyes and smiles, "I don't mind trying to put you back together."_


	4. Chapter 3

2nd p.o.v.

You tensed up a bit when he asked you. _What do I say? Do...do I lie to him_? You thought nervously.

You offer a bright smile, "Jack, dude, I'm fine. Really."

He furrowed his eyebrows together, his Irish accent filling your ears, "I know when you're lying, (Y/n). We'vs been friends since 5th grade."

That may be true, but that doesn't mean anything. Not unless he's been watching you closely...

You raised a (h/c) eyebrow at the brunette, "Have you been watching me?"

He leans in with a 'seductive' smirk, "Oh, yeah~."

(Y/n) pushes his face away and started to laugh, Jack chuckled as he ran his pale hand through his dyed green hair.

"(Y/n), please. You can tell me anything," his ocean blue eyes stare into your own (e/c) orbs with concern, "I don't want you to feel like you don't have anyone to talk to."

You let out a sigh, "I just...it's really stupid, Sean," You look down at your left palm, "I had a dream last night...and it's just been on my mind, that's all. Nothing bad."

Jack crossed his arms and leaned them an the table, resting his head on them, "Wanna tell me what it was about?"

You ran your hand through your soft, (h/c) hair before you closed your eyes, "I was running away from a monster. But I couldn't see what it looked like, but somehow, I knew it was me...I was chasing myself," you let out a chuckle.

(Y/n) put their elbows on the table, hiding their eyes in their hands, "But there was a dead end. I begged to be let out, but nobody came. The monster got to me and started peircing it's claws into my left hand. When I woke up, my left hand was hurting like hell."

Jack was quiet, not knowing what to say. (Y/n) felt a bit relived, glad to get it off their chest. But the silence Jack was giving (Y/n) made them a bit nervous.

"Maybe it's a new phenomenon," he sighed.

(Y/n) rolled their eyes, "Geez, thanks for the great help. I'll recommend you to a friend."

"Sorry," he apologized, sitting up, "Maybe you're just scared of yourself...?"

You turned your head in his direction, removing your hands from your eyes and placing them on your lap, "You think so?"

Jack shrugged, reaching for his laptop, "I dunno. I'm not a dream expert. BUT!" He quickly continued when he saw you open your mouth to speak, "I am your friend. So if that makes the most sense to you, than we'll stick with that."

You looked down at your hand again, thinking that you saw blood on your (s/c) hand.

"And besides, it's okay if you are. I'll make sure to remind you that you're not a monster," he smiles as pink dusted his pale cheeks.

You smile back at him. He catches up to what he just said and stammered a bit.

"I-I-I mean, that's what friends are for, right?" He chuckled nervously.

You roll your eyes for the 2nd time today. Though you smiled at Jack. He seemed to be the only one that could tolerate you in your most melodramatic times. Focusing on the task at hand, you took out your H2 pencil and started sketching on the paper your teacher had handed out.

At 11:30A.M., the bell rang for 3rd period and first lunch. You and Jack used to have the same schedule, same classes except for the last period. But after the first 5 weeks, they changed the schedule for most of the kids, you included. You left the class after saying your goodbye to brunette-with his hair dyed green on top-child named Jack-or Sean. Whelp, time for C.C.P. class.

* * *

 _"Do you...actually believe I can be fixed?" You asked, looking up at the starry sky._

 _"To be honest, no. But," He says as he sits up to look at you with determined eyes and smiles, "I don't mind trying to put you back together."_


	5. Chapter 4

2nd p.o.v.

Your 3rd class was upstairs, which was a pain in the ass 'cause after C.C.P. (College and Career Preparation) you had Lunch, after lunch your last class was upstairs once more for English Honors. You quickly got up the first flight of stairs but went slower for the second flight. As you just got on the second floor, someone bumped into _you_.

"Oh, I'm sorry-" you started to apologize.

"Watch where the fuck you're going!" The person snapped before quickly leaving for their next class.

You frown as you ran your hand through your (h/c) locks. Shaking your head, you tried not to think of the situation and walked the rest of the distance to class. When you got there, you notice an old friend-he stood at the back of the class-from your old C.C.P. class before you got transferred. You put on your best smile as you walked up to him.

"Hey, Wash! What's up?" You greeted.

"Oh, hey (Y/n)! How are you?" He smiled happily at you.

"I uh, I've had better days," you chuckled to lift off the seriousness in that statement, "Hows' life for you?"

He let out a small laugh, "It's been great! It really has. Caboose misses you, he said that he misses your "niceness", and it's not the same without you."

"Oh," your smile falters a bit, "I...really haven't thought about them for a while. I'll have to go visit sometime."

"That'll be a challenge," He shrugs, the final bell rang, "I gotta go to lunch, I'll see you tomorrow, (Y/n)!"

You waved at him before going to the opposite side of the classroom to your seat. Mr. Capello should be here soon.

C.C.P. was an okay class, most defiantly not your favorite, but it was enjoyable. The bell rang at 1:05P.M. to signalize that it was time for 2nd lunch. As you were packing, you started thinking about what Mr. Capello said to you during class. He asked everyone what they would like to improve for themselves. Almost everyone, you included, said they would like to gain more self confidence.

You picked up your dark red backpack and swung it onto your back. After saying goodbye to Mr. Capello, you left your class and head down stairs for lunch. You asked Mr. Capello if he thought it was sad that "almost everyone needs self confidence?", yourself included. He said that he thought it was a good thing because the first step on helping yourself get better, is to know what's wrong. He then proceeded to fist bump you, saying that "you're passing this class everyday!".

You shook your head, _I don't think he_ meant _anything by that_. There was always an empty table outside that no one sat at, so naturally, you and your other friends took that table. You didn't expect to see (B/f) there, mostly because they always spent their time with their [boy/girl]friend. You took off you backpack and sat under the shade the umbrella provided for you and put your bag under your seat. Crossing your (s/c) arms, you laid them on the table and rested your head on them.

You saw Leonard-you called him by his last name, Church-walking to the table, greeting you with a smile, so you did the same. Leonard has black hair and green eyes and black framed glasses. Then came another friend Lavernius, but everyone called him by his last name, Tucker, his dark skin showed off his dark brown dreads that touched his chest and light green eyes. They greeted you, as you thought you only had average (h/l) (h/c) hair and boring (e/c) eyes that blended with your (s/c) skin.

"Hey, (Y/n)~" they both greeted.

"Hello, ladies," you replied in the same teasing voice.

Tucker and Church talked for a bit before going inside the cafeteria to get food. They were lucky they didn't have to pay for food. You did, and you were too poor to spend $3 a day. Not that you cared much, you thought you didn't need the extra weight. You sat alone for a good 2 minutes until one of your closest friend, Mark, came to the table.

Mark liked to climb in his free time, making him muscular. He dyed his hair pink in the beginning of the school year, later blue, lastly, he dyed it a bright red. About two weeks ago, he dyed it black, his natural hair color. He had dark brown eyes, and he'd sometimes wear his glasses.

"Hey (N/n)," he greeted while sitting.

"Hey, Mark," you smile.

"Uh, (N/n)," he started, "we won't be able to hang out today, my brother wants to take me to Wal-Mart to buy some clothes."

You frowned, "But you promised we would 1Bill and Chill."

"I know, I'm sorry (N/n). I promise you next week," he smile apologetically.

 _That's what you said last week, and the week before that. The last time we hung out was two months ago!_ Is what you wanted to say, but the words died in your throat.

You shook your head and smiled, "It's okay, really. Like you said next week."

1It's like Netflix and Chill, but Bill Nye the Science Guy...and not like _that_ , you're literally just watching Bill Nye. So Bill and Chill.

* * *

 _"Do you...actually believe I can be fixed?" You asked, looking up at the starry sky._

 _"To be honest, no. But," He says as he sits up to look at you with determined eyes and smiles, "I don't mind trying to put you back together."_


	6. Chapter 5

2nd p.o.v.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" asked Church as he sat down with his chicken burger and tater tots.

You looked away from the food, "Oh, Mark said that we can't Bill and Chill today," You look at Church with hopeful (e/c) eyes, "He promised us next week though!"

Church winces but keeps his smile, "Yeah, next week."

Tucker sits next to Leonard with half his pepperoni pizza gone, "Fucking Grif...Hey Mark."

"Hi Tuck," he greeted before getting up from his seat across from you.

You frowned a little when he started to walk away from the table. You've gotten used to this by now, he's always doing this. Maybe he'll come back today. You laugh to yourself. _I make him sound so horrible..._ You pull out your Samsung from your jeans back pocket and checked the time.

It was only 1:10P.M. right now. Lunch doesn't end until 1:40. Church and Tucker were talking to each other, you didn't bother to listen to what. You look to your left and see (B/f) walking hand and hand with their [boy/girl]friend, Alex (a neutral name, it could be Alexandra or Alexander/Alex). They looked happy together.

You waved your hand in an obvious motion to them, "Hey! (B/f)!" specifically to (B/f), but they only looked at you for not even a second before they just walked _right past you!_ You hung your mouth open in disbelief, shock, anger, and disappointment. You snapped your head in their direction, furrowing your eyebrows together in anger, your face wearing a mean looking snarl. You stood abruptly, your hands slamming to the table with force causing Tucker and Church to look at you.

"Whoa, (N/n). Calm down, man. Are you alright?" Church asked you.

You snap your head towards your light skinned friend, "No, I'm not okay! Did you see that?! T-T-They just walked past by me as if I..." you lowered your gaze down to the table and slowly sank back down to your seat, "As if I wasn't even here...as if I didn't even matter.."

Church looked at you with pitiful and light irritated eyes, "(N/n)...(B/f) probably just wants some time with Alex, this is the only time they see each other."

You shook your head angrily at that, "Yeah, okay, I understand that, but that doesn't give them the right to just...ignore me like that!"

Tucker only looked down at his hands, not wanting to get involved.

Church looked down, "Well...just don't dwell on it," he replied a bit harshly.

You shook you head for the 4th time that day. You shouldn't dwell on it, after all, would you do the same if you found yourself a boyfriend or a girlfriend? No, but, you can't expect everyone to react the same way as you. You look to your right where (B/f) and Alex went, they were talking to Alex's friends. (B/f) looked your way, their smile faltering slightly before they tore their gaze away and continued to talk to whoever they were with.

 _This is stupid_ , you thought solemnly to yourself, _I'm just over reacting, (B/f) still likes me. I'm just being dramatic. If I only got to see my boyfriend or girlfriend for only 40 minutes a day, I'd probably use it to be with just them_. You cross your arms, laid them on the table and rested your head on your arms. _I understand why they did what they did...I just wish they hadn't._

* * *

 _"Do you...actually believe I can be fixed?" You asked, looking up at the starry sky._

 _"To be honest, no. But," He says as he sits up to look at you with determined eyes and smiles, "I don't mind trying to put you back together."_


End file.
